At some point I can no longer remember, I chose June as the “landing point” for my quiet emotions. It is the month I was born. Summer. The transition between night and day.
I allow myself sadness, yet that sadness is so full of hope. I think of what has come, gone, and stayed. I think of what I have gained, lost, and never had. I think of what I have let go, held on to, and what has become linked to my life like destiny, regardless of whether I choose to hold or release it. June is the only time of year I let my emotions be: if they want to be sad, they can. Yet it remains a bright sadness.
I reminisce about what has passed, what happened, the mistakes made, the achievements we reached together, and all the things we never…
I allow myself to watch the rain longer. In June, it rains. Rain is longing. Rain also connects heaven and earth. Is that why “life is so short, yet longing is so long”?
I remembered waking up one morning to a feeling of emptiness filling my chest. I tried to drive that emptiness away but could not. Because we cannot drive away nothingness.
It is a kind of helplessness. And I am grateful for that feeling of helplessness.
I am lost.
Yes.
But that part that has lost its way is also part of who I am.
Let us love it.
I am lost, but not because I have no map.
But because a destination is missing.
In June, my heart is filled even more by Yoshiki's music. It is “invaded” by the men of the legendary band X-Japan. There is nothing complicated about this. And only in month 6, every year since 2007, I return to YouTube, open the “Endless Rain” video, and listen again and again, lingering like the afternoon drizzle outside.
“Endless Rain
Lemme forget
All of the pain
All of the hateness”
Perhaps before discovering why we were sent here, everyone should pass through life's rising and falling notes. We receive adversity to overcome, to become worthy of the greater happiness beyond it.
Before anyone can happily live their mission, they must face the deep holes in their heart. Some holes are… too deep for us to cross or fill, so we have to go around them. Then that too is done; everything will be all right.
We all must witness both righteousness and wickedness in people, both the good and the not-so-good sides of ourselves. The question is what we choose to hold onto afterward, and what our own “righteousness” is.
“Have I lived fully?” is a difficult question. I cannot recall exactly when we recognized and began living according to the “destiny” that “heaven” had designed for us. Doing so brings absolute freedom. Many find this strange: how is that freedom? I would say it is not only freedom, but happiness.
I cannot remember when I began to feel that “if today were my last day alive,” everything would still be… all right. Because I have consciously lived as fully as I possibly could. “Even with mistakes,” we acted to the best of our ability at the time. If we have not lived fully, we feel troubled, uneasy, and regretful. Once we have lived as fully as possible, we move toward the feeling “It’s fine. It’s Ok”. Difficult, but… possible. We must accomplish this each day.
Looking around us again, so many people have connected with us, and together we are connected to something even greater than ourselves. We felt the energy of our teammates and families around us. Then we smiled.
Yup!
The best is yet to come, my friends!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Hgfqi7atWsk
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